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Peyton Manning, feeling jilted that Bill Belichick kicked him out of the god-awful golf foursome and relegated him to his caddy, guzzles Guinness steins in the clubhouse at 9 am EDT.
The mood among the golfing foursome – Belch, TB, Tiger, and Wagering Phil — remains foul, juvenile, and petty. Rampant cheating persists. Bickering abounds. And the group moves to the second tee.
Some 200 feet above that second green looms a psychedelic air balloon. Adorned in red, orange and emerald green colors of the new-uniformed Tampa Bay Dragons, the balloon has replaced The Good Year Blimp. Before this day, the Blimp had been providing aerial shots at golf tourneys since the early 1970s.
“That’s the air balloon I floated across the United States with partying with Antonio Brown and Ricky Williams,” said TB. “Bet that’s AB and Roach Clip Ricky in there right now. Check out my new branding logo all over the balloon: TB-ABalloon. My brand is getting huge as I near retirement making tens of millions on my famous name. Bet that makes you wanna belch, Belch.”
TB’s instincts were spot on just like his quarterbacking instincts used to be. Like two commercial jet airline pilots, AB and Ricky operate the air balloon. Because Ricky got NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell stoned during the recent coast-to-coast car ride, Goodell felt obligated to return the favor.
So he wielded his sports executive clout to pull strings with the PGA Tour officials to get AB, who was kicked out of the NFL last year, the golf tourney air balloon gig. This put the Goodyear Blimp out of the blimp business.
Pulling off this branding coup took some maneuvering. Goodell had to slip Goodyear under the table money to go away quietly, but who cares because he makes, undeservedly, $20 million per annum.
AB, a licensed air balloon pilot, captains the balloon’s course just as he did from Walla Walla, Washington to Daytona Beach Florida for one hellacious beach bash celebrating TB’s signing with the Dragons.
Roach Clip operates the TNT TV camera taking aerial shots. TV watchers grow agitated because many of the shots on their screens focus on the cloud computing cirrus clouds, tree branches, sand traps, muddy lakes, robin birds, and other sights that enrapture the Roach Clip Rebel.
Because he got high in the balloon — as he does everywhere he goes since quitting the NFL — Ricky doesn’t realize or doesn’t care, or both, that his primary job is to keep the camera on the golf competition.
TNT’s Twitter account blows up with irate viewers bitching they can’t see the golf. One Tweet reads: “Who’s the high TNT cameraman giving us views of the random birds in the trees, ducks in the lakes, and wasps in the sand traps? #dopesmokingcameraman Sad.”
“This is turrible TV,” said Charles Barkley, TNT’s lead color man. “Get Roach Clip to show Belch and TBliss bickering with each other on the golf course. A bunch of insecure, shallow guys insulting each other makes for great TV, jacks up the ratings, and sets me up to score a bigger contract extension with TNT so I can entertain, say whatever I want, and not have to do any research about sports that I talk about.”
At the second hole green, Phil Mickelson floats air balloon bets. “I say we wager $20 million that the balloon crashes before our round ends. What do you say we bet $10 million it happens before the 9th hole? And I bet $40 million they crash in a lake, double or nothing if it makes landfall in a sand trap. And $80 million if they crash into the clubhouse and destroy the bar.”
Belichick riffs of Wagering’s idea: “I think we should take bets on the odds that we will all be smoking weed with Roach Clip Ricky before the round ends. That guy always has great weed. And I bet you $10 Sir Charles Barkley joins us. Chuck likes to party.”
The balloon nose-dives and lands in the second-hole sand trap.
“Hey TB, we’re back on the sand like we were in Daytona Beach,” said Ricky. “And you know what we do when we’re on the sand?”
“We smoke weed,” said TB. “Got a stash, Ricky?”
“Of course.”
“So glad you made it,” said Belch. “I haven’t been high since we drove to Bledsoe’s house. Been having dope withdrawals. Hunting for a new quarterback is stressing me out.”
While operating the TNT cameras, Roach Clip had rolled four bones rolled in anticipation of the crash and encounter with a gaggle of guys who would want to get high. He lights all four at once.
All four members of the foursome take hits off of Ricky’s joints and pass them around. A communal feeling crystallizes.
Ten minutes into this dope-smoking, Tiger starts feeling relaxed with this foursome, the same group of blokes he felt antipathy for just moments earlier.
“I haven’t felt this relaxed since I dated 300 women at the same time I was married to a Swedish bombshell,” he said. “I don’t even care about breaking Jack Nicklaus’ record of 18 Majors anymore even though it’s been my obsession, along with chicks, since I was four years old. All I want to do is take another hit off Ricky’s joint. All my troubles have drifted away like a psychedelic air balloon floating far away into the sky.”
Barkley fumes in the TNT booth.
“What happened to our aerial shots of the golf match? This is turrible.”
“The air balloon crashed,” said TNT anchor Ernie Johnson. “It’s all busted up in the sand trap next to the second green.”
TNT’s Twitter blows up again. “What the hell is going on with the aerial shots of this golf tournament? All we see is sand on our screens. Is the cameraman high? #TNTblows”
All four players lose interest in playing golf.
“Let’s go the clubhouse and guzzle alcohol,” said Phil. “I’ll bet $100 million I will drink more than every one of you.”
They enter the clubhouse. Each feels different. They’re seeing stars and wondering where they are, and not knowing what’s going on, but oddly, not caring.
Barkley shows up.
“You guys are turrible,” he said. “Ricky’s got the whole world mad at TNT. But who cares? I’ve won a bunch of Emmys. Still gonna get paid my millions. People love me no matter if see the golf or not. The main reason they tune is to listen to me say controversial and ridikalus things. I ain’t no role model. And I hate Shaq.”
At the clubhouse bar, the crew runs into Peyton Manning. Manning sits at a table with a “Saturday Night Live” cameraman and creative director.
Drinks flow for hours and hours. More weed gets smoked. Manning partakes.
Tiger feels empathy for his fellow golfers. He cares about them, an emotion he has never felt before about anyone.
To be continued…
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