Bonus

Special Prosecutor Mueller Orders FBI to Raid Patriots Facility

Special Prosecutor Mueller Orders FBI to Raid Patriots Facility

Special prosecutor Robert Mueller has ordered FBI officials to raid the offices of the New England Patriots football facility.

They will be rummaging for all sorts of evidence that shows why coach Bill Belichick, quarterback Tom Brady, and tight end Rob Gronkowski aren’t getting along this off-season and whether this is all related to Deflate-gate and the time the Patriots were caught filming the practices of an opposing team.

Photo courtesy of pinterest.com

“We have reason to believe the Patriots are a nefarious, law-breaking organization that could be guilty of federal crimes and gross disregard for the rules of football,” said Mueller in a prepared statement released from his office on K Street in Washington, D.C. “The Patriots are like the Trump Administration – everything they do is suspicious and potentially underhanded. The only difference I see is that President Trump Tweets all the time whereas coach Belichick never says anything, although he did pose for pictures with his girlfriend for Nantucket Magazine last summer.”

The feds will be taking all of the Patriots computers, smartphones, and Instagram accounts and studying them to see whether they can find the smoking gun emails that help clarify why Brady won’t commit to playing next season, why Gronkowski is miffed he can’t use Brady’s trainer to work out, and why Belichick seems to be annoying both of them. This is particularly important to understand because these are his two-star players and without them, he reduces his chances of winning another Super Bowl.

Photo courtesy of mercurynews.com

Some suspect this is Belichick’s way of pushing these guys out. He’s never been afraid to cut superstars from his team and he may be giving both players this vibe that he wants them to leave and they are offended and hurt.

Patriots president Robert Kraft Macaroni and Cheese is not in favor of Mueller and his goons invading the team’s facility and think it’s a witch-hunt driven by fake news.

“I voted for President Trump, and so did Tom Brady and Belichick, but I don’t know about Gronk because he’s not all that tuned into politics,” he said. “Mueller may be going after us because we’re Trump supporters and he’s trying to take that man down. But Mueller’s raid of our offices is just another attempt to discredit the Patriots for being the best NFL franchise of the past two decades. Winners like us, and like Trump, gall losers like Mueller.”

Photo courtesy of toursdelaliberte.blogspot.com

President Trump, who was reached on his golf course in Palm Beach, Florida, Tweeted:

“Mueller better leave the Patriots alone and he better leave me alone, too. He’s messing with the wrong crooks” #corruption @fakenews

Author Profile

Sammy Sportface
Possibly America’s best sports blogger. Sometimes relevant and insightful. Often funny and satirical. Mostly mysterious and unpredictable. Only mildly interested in the truth.
Click to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Most Popular

To Top