Mickelson Doubts Tiger Will Win Masters
At the driving range at Augusta National today, Phil Mickelson and Tiger Woods took a number of practice swings.
Mickelson was approached by a reporter, Sammy Sportface, and asked this question:
“Hey, Phil, did you hear Tiger is favored to win the Masters? Vegas is way into Tiger getting it done at Augusta.”
“What a joke. The guy hasn’t won a tournament in more than four years. His chances of winning the Masters are about as good as his chances of ever being liked by any other professional golfer. He wrecked all of his relationships with us when for years when he was on top of the golf world, he treated us like scum. Paybacks are tough, Tigress Eldrick Woods. But if you think any of us are going to be pulling for you to win the Masters, you’re delusional. We have been having quite a good time these past four years playing golf without you around the make everyone feel uptight and inferior to you. You come back now and seem to think we’re all going to forget who you are and what you did and how you treated us. But you dug yourself this hole, Tiger.
You have no chance of winning the Masters. I would be surprised if you made the cut. Your golf game is ancient and rancid. You used to be good but you lost your game. It’s out to pasture somewhere and you can’t find it. Where is it, Tiger? Where is your golf game? Here? There? Over there?
I bet you’re thinking you’re going to win the tournament this weekend. You have that sort of mind that you can convince yourself of things that aren’t likely nor, to be honest, possible.
There are so many other guys who are better than you are golf now. What’s your world ranking, 567? 889? I would bet on a hundred guys winning this before I would bet on you. Have you seen Justin Thomas play, Tiger? The guy is great. He’s better than you ever were. And he’s a nice guy. It’s possible to be a great golfer and also a nice guy. Did you know that Tiger, or are you still convinced you need to be a jerk all the time to be good and win tournaments? Where did you get that idea? What got into you to think you could treat us all like losers and expect us to like you. That’s not how it works. When you’re a jerk to people, they don’t like it. But I know you don’t care about that stuff. All you care about is winning.
Good luck with that this weekend, Tiger. Fat chance you’re going to win. I’ve already called my bookie and bet a million dollars you won’t win this tourney.”
“Hey Phil, how’s that gambling problem you’ve been battling for decades? Just think how much money you’ve lost throwing around money betting on sports and everything else that you feel like wagering on. Just think how many more Major tournaments you would have won had you not been so distracted by your inability to control your gambling. I’ve got 14 Major championships, more than double the number you have. When golf historians look back on our era, they’re going to say I was a much better golfer than you and you were a more prolific gambler. And I haven’t even played much in the past four years. You’ve had four years to catch me in a number of Major titles and you haven’t come close. What were you doing all these years? I gave you a chance to catch up but you squandered the opportunity. The door was open for you to surpass my 14 Major championships but now it’s closed. I’m back and playing good golf again. That’s not good news for you.
I am going to win the Masters this weekend. Everybody is predicting it. I’m feeling great about my game. You blew your chance, Phil.
I’ll bet you already know this.”
- Possibly America’s best sports blogger. Sometimes relevant and insightful. Often funny and satirical. Mostly mysterious and unpredictable. Only mildly interested in the truth.