The Art of Head Faking Your Boss
So when your boss sits across the desk from you and asks why you didn’t turn in your assignment on time, give him a head fake to the left like the one you gave your friend Billy or Tommy in sixth grade on the touch football field on your neighborhood elementary school field.
While running with the football around left end, you tilted your head to the left. Billy or Tommy or whatever his name followed your lead and stepped to the left. Billy believed you were going to keep running to the left. Billy bit the bone.
You then burned Billy by reversing course, side-stepping him to the right, prancing to yet another boyhood touchdown you would brag well into adult life.
With boss man bearing down on you, tilt your head to the left. His head will follow yours. Wait ten seconds. Hold the tilt like you would an ice cream cone. Then reverse direction by tilting your head to the right. He won’t be able to keep up with you.
You are having a head fake.
“But what about the assignment?” he will undoubtedly ask again. “I see you’re trying to give me a head fake but you haven’t answered my question, you loser schmuck who I want to fire but can’t because of corporate lawsuits that may erupt.”
“Boss man,” you say while tilting your head back to the left. “I didn’t turn in the assignment because I thought we had an understanding that I would turn in assignments when I want to. What’s more, if I didn’t think the assignment was going to drive enough return on our investments, I could just not do it. That’s what I remember us agreeing to.”
“Don’t try that head fake deflection on me, idiot subordinate,” boss man will say.
“Hey boss man, did you ever play touch football as a kid or were you not athletic or likable enough to hang out with the cool kids?”
“I played touch football as a kid.”
Give another head fake to the left.
“Did you ever run around left end and a kid named Billy came to touch you so the play would end? Then you gave him a head fake to the left. Lame Billy or Danny went for the fake then you schooled him by cutting back to the right for a touchdown.”
“I never did that,” boss man will say. “No one let me run with the ball. I wasn’t fast or athletic enough. But I know what you mean. I get the concept of a head fake. And this is a misdirection of our conversation. You are head faking me so I lose my focus on the fact that you didn’t turn in your assignment. But I never will forget. At long last, I can document this insubordination and incompetence as evidence for why this company should fire you.”
When the boss man drops this load on you, pause and think to yourself for one second. Then for another few seconds.
Then say: “Hey boss man, if you never got the ball in touch football because you weren’t fast or athletic enough, and you, therefore, didn’t get to head fake anyone while running with the pigskin around left end, how did you get this job bossing me around? I’m a better head faker than you. This has been true since we were both kids. What sort of head faking did you do to get your position of power to me — one of the better head fakers in the history of touch football?
Your boss will then give you a head fake to the left. Don’t fall for it. Keep him focused on your question. Stare straight ahead. Like your life depends on it, do not move your noggin.
“Hey boss man, that head fake you just threw at me. I didn’t fall for it. Until you figure out how to head fake better I don’t think we need to be talking any more about this meaningless assignment you gave me.”
With boss man loaded down with all this, stand up, give him another head fake. This time go right with the tilt.
As you walk out of his office, let the last visual boss man has of you to be you swinging your left hip to the left and your head to the right.
Dump on him one final hip fake and head fake.
- Possibly America’s best sports blogger. Sometimes relevant and insightful. Often funny and satirical. Mostly mysterious and unpredictable. Only mildly interested in the truth.