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You think you’re up with the latest big thing: generative artificial intelligence. But you better get out of your rut. Forward think feverishly and furiously. Get all over the next big thing that will spin the universe into some other dimension, causing explosions and sparks and waves of cataclysmic tumult never before experienced in the most angry of oceans. Or you’ll pay a price bigger than the sun.
Embrace now – before it’s too late – the greatest explosion in the history of dinosaurs, crocodiles, 17-year locusts, and homo sapiens: quantum computing.
Quantum computing will make AI look like a learning-challenged dunce, the stupidest dolt of all time.
Let me fill you in on what quantum computing is: It’s like a Rubik’s Cube. To solve a Rubik’s Cube, you have to deal with a few million different turn and twist variables, sort of like twelve-dimensional chess. Think ungraspable math mazes. You make one move, and that impacts four hundred thousand other moves that could have been made.
The only person who will be able to solve this Rubik’s Cube will be Ryan Fitzmagic, who graduated third in his high school class, whizzed through academics at Harvard, and has shown he can solve a Rubik’s Cube in under one minute. YouTube shows that.
When the time comes to explain to NFL players how quantum computing will impact the game, Fitzmagic will give week-long Zoom-driven seminars to each team, followed by a demonstration of how he solves a Rubik’s Cube in under one minute. As a self-serving publicity stunt, he’ll give each player some swag afterward, a Rubik’s Cube with his Fitzmagic signature on it and underneath the words “one minute.”
A key concept of quantum computing is simultaneous computing. If you think about the Indy 500 and all 100 cars in the race running their engines at the same time, that would be a cheap and flimsy conceptual analogy that vastly undersells the scale of quantum computing. Sticking to car racing, quantum computing would be like every car, truck, and SUV in NASCAR, IndyCar, and Formula 1 running their engines and driving at 600,000 miles per second on Mountain Dew brain tremors.
All at once.
There’s also this concept of parallelism you need to wrap your head around if you’re going to be able to be an angel or devil investor in the quantum computing inter-galactic explosion on the brink of jolting all of humanity off its collective rockers.
You learned in high school geometry, if you weren’t goofing around making spitballs, about parallel lines meaning they both move in the same direction at the same angle. They line up the same way. Like this
_______________
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Extrapolate from that concept to every single computer, AI agent, large language model, data center, software instruction, fiber optic strand, cellular base station, and Sirius Satellite Radio lining up in parallel like the lines above. The uniformity of this will create unfathomable efficiencies in the speed at which information travels through computing networks and across all seven planets and orbits the sun – a big thing – simultaneously.
Simultaneous parallelism at speeds that the human brain nor AI cannot even calculate. Let’s bring this down to a real-world example. When quantum computing gets called upon to track the record-breaking basketball statistics of The Joker, the technology will get so overtaxed that it will ignite into a ball of fire that will call upon all of the New York City Fire Departments – Ladders 1 through 607 – to extinguish it.
But here’s the thing about quantum computing. When it burns up, it will automatically regenerate itself because of its unknowable powers of simultaneous parallelism. How this is possible is not understood by anyone. This is a situation very much like the very unsettling truth that none of the madmen who created generative AI can explain how the technology does what it does. We are living in times of a vast lacking of clarity. Misunderstanding is massive. So we must keep moving, looking around corners to anticipate and prepare for what’s about to hit us. This is what management consultants do. Put on your McKinsey caps.
Speaking of that, the unit of measurement of quantum computing is called a qubit. It’s kind of like an ounce or a pint or a gallon or an inch or a foot – or a meter if you’re part of Brexit – but much more difficult to understand than all those things. You can try to figure out a way to think about a qubit, but without any real strong frames of reference that anyone has ever contemplated. You won’t be able to wrap your head around it. Try. You’ll find out I’m right.
Qubits are impossible to understand. This is where the mystery and secret sauce of quantum computing takes root, probably, but who knows? For the next 10 years no one will be able to explain what a qubit is so they will fall back to the analogy that it’s like a Rubik’s Cube because Sportface used ChatGPT to ask it for a quantum computing analogy and he’s running with it here because everyone knows what a Rubik’s Cube is and only seventeen people on Earth have any idea what quantum computing is.
Now let’s get to the most important thing you need to know about quantum computing to help you pack your mattress with money. Quantum computing will be used during this WNBA season to try to predict how many times Caitlin Clark will get pushed and shoved by combative opponents during games.
The simultaneous calculations running in parallel and measured by qubits will not have enough horsepower to keep up. For every other problem mankind grapples with, quantum computing will be able to solve the problem. I’m thinking about, for example, how Sporface will get to the Moon on a space rocket with egomaniac Elon Musk, or whether Idea Man will stop getting Sportface to write about the next big thing without ever reading anything he writes.
But the whole quantum computing system will melt like the Wicked Witch of the West trying to track all the Clark altercations.
The most important thing of all is to not watch sports anymore because none of it matters when evaluated through the lens of how quantum computing will take human life into a realm of existence never before experienced. Sports will become like ants. We will not even enter a new realm. It will be some state that doesn’t have a name yet. As a placeholder, let’s call it Sammy Sportface until we think of something that makes more sense.
What I’m saying to you is that the time is now to get ready. You can go on ruminating about whether AI will short-circuit your career, but that will be time not well spent compared with how quantum computing will change everything about your brain, configurations of neurotransmitters, the way you think, how you reflect upon existence, how many Twizzlers you crave and more importantly why, the actual meaning of existence, and deciding whether you need to be spending another second reading a Sammy Sportface blog.
I could normally say you need to buckle up for the quantum computing ride we’re all about to take into the Netherlands of someplace beyond our capacity to contemplate. But buckling up won’t make the ride any less bumpy. Don’t buckle up. Just let it all happen, whatever it’s going to be. When you lack control, it’s a free feeling.
I could say, just don’t worry about what you can’t control, and just go back to trying to solve the dusty Rubik’s Cube stuffed in some junk drawer in your house. But I don’t think any of us will ever be able to do that faster than Fitzmagic. Going in, you won’t beat him.
I could say maybe it’s best just to worry about AI because that’s what we’re all confronted with now.
This is about the future, what quantum computing is, and means. Here you have the definitions and explanations that will get you on this rocket launch to another form of life as yet undefined.
I am giving you this counsel because it’s my charter to help others always.
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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