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Worries whip around the world about unnecessary eating.
It’s just one day before the annual Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest.
Word sinks in that the event, which is held July 4 in Coney Island, New York as it has been for 107 straight years, would have to go on without its charismatic and crowd-pleasing announcer and master of ceremonies, George Shea.
This memorable man will be sidelined this year due to a 365-days-and-counting loss of voice from shouting last year’s introductions coupled with a nagging fear he’s lost all creative ideas for what to say in these pre-event festivities.
Bringing in Bill Walton
So event organizers have turned to basketball Hall of Famer Bill Walton to take Shea’s place.
“I’ll gladly take on this monstrous challenge to introduce the hot dog eating contestants to the Earth’s 7.9 billion people and all other interested creatures strolling around this euphoric place we call the universe,” said Walton.
America’s birthday, July 4th, arrives. Big Red Head rocks a red, white, and blue Uncle Sam costume and starts introducing the inhuman all the world has come to deify and marvel at, Kentucky-born Joseph Christian Chestnut (“Joey”). This creature from another appetite has dominated the contest seven straight years, winning 14 of the last 15, while along the way setting the all-time single event record of 76.
In 10 minutes.
“I call together all galaxies, planets, and communities of every stripe right now,” says Walton. “He is the man with a colon as wide as the Pacific Ocean, a throat as open as a Kansas highway sky, a stomach as vast as the Grand Tetons, an anus as free-flowing and navigable as the Nile River.
“When he crams those hot dogs into his stomach, it transmogrifies, somewhat like a caterpillar into a butterfly, into a visual of a mountainous mudpie, a football-field-sized waste lagoon, a brownish and algae green fingerpainting of the Dead Sea.
“Ladies and gentlemen, bow your heads. Give this man silence and reverence he so richly deserves. Be thankful for being able to breathe on this deliriously delicious celebration of hot dog eating hallucinations.
“I offer you now, people all around the universe and beyond, traversing the stars and other planets including Mars, Venus, Jupiter, and Earth itself, the greatest hot dog eater who has ever lived, the biggest star this world has ever known, the world’s greatest athlete besides The Joker, a person like no other who has ever breathed the same air as we do. I summon you to shout and cheer and yelp and cry and yearn for….Jooooooooooeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Chestnuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut.”
Chestnut leans back in his Egyptian chariot
Chestnut, proud and haughty while also a starved man for the past 40 days and 40 nights, leans back in his traditional Egyptian chariot as underlings carry his royaltyness to the center of the stage, his G-spot, where all eyes will be as the other 12 contestants beside him get ignored and succumb to their futile and inevitable fates, losers again, destroyed by the enigmatic eating disorders of Joey Chestnut.
Everyone who is anyone is in attendance at this venue near New York’s sandy beaches. Former heavyweight boxing champion George Foreman grills hundreds of Nathan’s wieners on the grills that carry his name.
Walton dances to Grateful Dead
The Grateful Dead starts playing “Here Comes Sunshine” as Walton Dead Dances on stage in a way that makes people wonder if he’s insane — arms waving up and down like, head bobbing, directionless.
“The bounties bestowed upon us are as rich as Bill Gates, as endless as ocean water, as mysterious as trying to define the meaning of music in the context of a hot dog eating contest. Play on, Grateful Dead. We can’t be grateful enough for the sounds you create that soothe and stick in our souls, meld and bend our minds, and set off happy hallucinations.”
Walton then shouts to the raucous crowd: “But wait, my fellow human brothers and sisters who live in unity with my purpose. There’s just one more thing. Today we have a challenger to Joey Chestnut, an eater of giant quantities of all things junk food: Good and Plenty, Zingers, Twinkies, Barbecue Fritos, and Funyons. This dude can also down plenty of hot dogs. Watching him stuff these dogs through his face will make you hallucinate and amplify the aura billowing from Joey Chestnut. You will see aura compounded by more aura today during this colossal contest. You will see a fast-food fanatic transfer his skills to the realm of hot dog eating. Be assured: His stomach is well groomed to tolerate all the hot dog junk you have to squeeze down your throat to beat Joey Chestnut. His stomach is as game-tested as Joey’s. It’s made of steel. It’s a stomach that’s so huge you have to wonder how it stays pumped up. Would a pin prick make it pop? It’s a thing of wonder, his fast-food belly full of jelly. I bestow upon you now, people around the world, the junk food eating aficionado, the guy who writes blogs about junk food more often than any other sports blogger or any other blogger of any genre, and teaches us all to be less self-conscious about junk food eating, and writes blogs that make us lose our eating inhibitions. Erupt like volcanoes for Saaaaammmmmmmy Sporttttttttffffffaaaaaaaaaaaaace.”
Crowd shouts “Sportface”
After polishing off a 12-pack of Hostess Twinkies, Sportface emerges from a secret hideout and starts high-fiving fans on his way to center stage. As part of a new sponsorship deal to spike his Facebook follower numbers, he tosses packs of Twinkies to the crowd. The packages have a URL to his blogs below the section breaking down the ingredients.
The crowd roars. The waves in the nearby ocean come crashing in.
“Sportface, Sportface, Sportface.”
Then:
“Twinkies, Twinkies, Twinkies.”
Then this:
“Chestnut, Chestnut, Chestnut.”
“The biggest rivalry you will ever see in your lives will play out before your very pupils and irises and make your eyebrows sweat,” says Walton. “It’s Ali vs. Frazier, Bird vs. Magic, the Celtics against the Lakers. The ultimate sporting event this is, a new tantalizing twist this year, with Sammy Sportface rocking his junk food eating chops taking on the most ridiculously talented hot dog eater in the history of civilization.”
Stephan A. feels forlorn
ESPN analyst Stephen A. Smith stands forlornly in the back of the crowd wondering why Sammy Sportface was chosen to be the center of attention for this event and not him. Given his belief that he, Stephen A., is “positively and most assuredly the most unbelievably popularized sports commentator of all time, most definitely.”
“Sorry ass, Sportface, promoting himself once again,” he mutters to himself. “Always sticking himself embarrassingly in the middle of his stupendously stupidly sports stories.”
Sportface scams the system
The contest begins.
Sportface takes the early lead. How? Why? Beating Chestnut?
Unthinkable.
Unbeknownst to the crowd, pre-event Sportface had crammed his hot dog buns with Twinkies which are smaller and easier to digest than Nathan’s hot dogs.
No one notices. He breaks Chestnut’s all-time record, shoving 77 Twinkies down his pie hole in 10 minutes.
Sportface raises his arms in victory. “Sportface, Sportface, Sportface,” the crowd yells as it gathers in front of him, bending a fence designed to keep fans from storming the stage.
Walton’s reaction: “Who could have ever hallucinated that Sportface would find a wild and wonderfully weird way to dethrone Joey Chestnut? Hide the Twinkies in the buns and eat them whole so no one could tell, all the while they’d be watching Joey anyway and ignoring all other also-rans. Much easier to get 77 of those down than 77 wieners. No one could have fathomed the brilliance of Sammy Sportface, and no one will ever doubt the atomic effect this fantastic feat will have on the future of professional eating and mankind itself.”
Celebrating America
In a post-victory press interview with Stephen A., Sportface explains he went with the Twinkees because they can be concealed from view within the buns as opposed to Pecan Twirls and Honey Buns that would be more easily detected because they have non-rectangular shapes that make them more noticeable inside the buns.
“Plus I’m tantalized by Twinkies,” said Sportface. “I got to knock Joey Chestnut out of his chariot, become famous, ignite legions of more Facebook followers, and tear up 77 Twinkies. Is there any more reason to celebrate the Fourth of July than that? Happy Birthday, America.”
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
Sammy Sportface Has a Vision -- Check It Out
Sammy Sportface -- The Baby Boomer Brotherhood Blog -- Facebook Page
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