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Yearning to increase popularity of their historically lackluster league, mired in financial ruin, and searching to push the emotional buttons of the current American zeitgeist, the WNBA opened the curtains this week – the first act of many – to perform its mastermind staged plot to reverse course and make the struggling sports league the most entertaining and popular in America.
They shamelessly ripped off a page from the underhanded business model of the wildly and curiously popular World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) organization that has hoarded trillions of dollars showing off men knocking each other down, pile driving each other into a boxing ring mat, and recklessly diving on picnic tables outside the ring for no rational reasons. The WNBA has unofficially transmogrified into the WWNBA.
The first episode exploded this week when the Connecticut Not So Sunny Jacy Sheldon poked Caitlin Clark in the face, Clark shoved her away, and Marina Mabrey blindsided Clark with an assault reminiscent of Steve Atwater of the Denver Broncos circa 1982.
Clark flew through the air as if hit by a cement mixer truck and tumbled to the floor with extra drama to heighten the moment and make us feel sorry for her. The flare-up took under two seconds to escalate. Technical fouls hurled about all over. Basketball all busted up. A momentous melee.
Later in the game, Clark’s supermodel teammate, Sophie Cunningham, who was a black belt fighter at the age of six – a fact no one knew 48 hours ago – clotheslined Sheldon as she went in for a layup, yanking her to the court floor like a sack of peat moss being dropped in a back yard. She tackled her like Kevin McHale did Kurt Rambis back in the 80s in a pivotal NBA Finals game.
Cunningham then grabbed and pulled the well-brushed hair of Sheldon and fended off another Sun teammate coming into the fracas. Hair pulling was being strung out. It wasn’t the Malice in the Palace but had that feel. Let’s label it the Gainbridge Fieldhouse Fracas and not quibble about labels. Centuries from now historians will point to this game as the dawn of a new strategic direction for this entire league.
Scheming surreptitiously, the WWNBA has carefully scripted and rehearsed in-game fights throughout the rest of the season. Forget going to summer movies; stay home and absorb these physical entanglements and fantasize for some fast-flying fisticuffs.
This isn’t our time to judge nor become too disconcerted or indignant or self-righteous because, like the WWE, the women’s fights will look real as they did last night. But they’ll be staged for certain times and situations and invariably will involve Caitlin Clark because no one watches any of the games she’s not in. Why do all this fake fighting when no one’s watching?
Brace for a barrage of altercations throughout the rest of the season and be taken aback as the league ascends to the top of the sports landscape. Ratings experts will be tracking the number of people watching expect the metrics to correlate them to the amount of fights in games. Both will go up in tandem like hockey sticks, experts predict.
For fan safety, cages will be erected around the courts – much like WWE rings. Teams will assign “goons” to fight to protect their teams’ star players. They won’t be expected to score any points or get any rebounds. Their paychecks will be based on their fighting prowess and success rates.
In the pre-game tunnels while walking into the stadium theatres, as TV cameras and photographers snap phantasmagoria of photos, the players will rehearse the fights they will engage in during the games. WWE stars such as John Cena will also strut through the tunnels, all bulked up, and counsel the women on how to pretend they’re fighting convincingly.
The fights will feature a dizzying array of tenacious hair pulling, targeted face scratching, and direct hit body slams like the one Mabrey uncorked on Clark last night.
There’s more. Pre-game introductions will be made by the famous WWE pre-match announcer, 80-year-old Michael Buffer. Like at all WWE events a microphone will be dropped from the ceiling to where he’s standing at center court. From there he’ll introduce the starting five fighters from both teams in his usual absurd way.
He’ll get the crowds amped with his famous “Are You Ready?
“Are You RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
“Let’s Get Ready to Rummmmmmmmmmmbbbbbble.”
So why the new strategy and how did this all come about?
Feeling adrift, WNBA brass were searching the blogosphere for ideas for how to boost league popularity and came across the obscure Sammy Sportface Baby Boomer Brotherhood Blog. They were struck that most of the blogs on the site were not of any use to Baby Boomer men but were instead deifications of the long range shooting of Caitlin Clark.
Collectively they reasoned they needed to contact Sportface at his Starbucks typing table. He seems to have the pulse of our league, they reasoned. Maybe he can give us the keys to unlock the doors to fabulous wealth for all the players, coaches and league brass. Or so they thought.
Sportface has been writing about his rapidly evaporating interest in sports everywhere, whining incessantly that none of them bring any entertainment value anymore.
“They came to me and I told them if they wanted to make their sport more entertaining they needed to concoct a whole new approach, reimagine the entire sport,” said Sportface. “I told them the league would become more popular than the NFL if they started staging fights between the players. No one would care if they were real fights or not. Entertainment would be all that mattered. The WWE has become insanely popular staging fake fights and I told them they could do the same with their sport.”
Sportface has been on a kick lately asserting that what’s going on in the world of artificial intelligence is more entertaining — and more important to the future of mankind — than anything going in sports with one exception: Caitlin Clark’s logo 3s.
He could not be reached for comment. He was anxiously pummeling Perplexity, the best gen AI chatbot, for ideas on how to write a blog about the two fights in this week’s game that would be unlike any of the 17 million podcast takes that already aired across America in the past 24-hour hype cycle.
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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