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Tom Cruise, Prince William, Elton John, Justin Trudeau, Spike Lee, Oprah, Coach Prime, Patrick Mahomes, Matt Damon, Simon Sinek, Justin Timberlake, Tommy Lee Jones, Snoop Dog, Adele, Malcolm Gladwell, Rick Rubin, Beyonce, Eminem, The Queen of England, and a host of other international dignitaries and world leaders will be flocking to the 2024 Super Bowl to witness America’s First Ever Royal Wedding.
They’ll be coming to see Taylor Swift in her rock concert get-up, and Telsey Kelce in his Kansas City Chiefs football uniform, recite their marriage commitments and smooch in front of more than 100 million people during half-time of the Super Bowl. As this happens the Internet will explode, tectonic plates will shift, continental drift will reconstitute itself, and the transfer portal will be silenced for 20 seconds as all American flags get lowered to half-mast.
Kelce won’t be playing in the Super Bowl because he’s fallen in love with the pop superstar, and that has made him realize football isn’t that important to him anymore. His waning interest in football will be the main reason his team will have been ousted in the first round of the playoffs, and Coach Andy Reid won’t be too upset as long as gets to eat cheeseburgers at the big game.
After the ceremony Taylor will perform her hit song “Love Story” and she’ll play the role of Juliet and her guy will be Romeo. Shakespearean theatre will be for the entire world to see. To be married or not to be.
Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger who side hustles as a wedding preacher, will lead the two superstars – America’s most publicized couple of all time – through the wedding rituals on the stage and this wedding song by Peter Paul & Mary will play on the jumbotron:
Tonight Sportface Starbucks banged out these remarks as a first draft though is still noodling on it, fearful it might not capture the right tone for this momentous event in American history.
Yo Telsey (Taylor + Kelce). Thank you for making America romantic again. We seem to have lost our appreciation for and ability to love one another. Ever since you started dating a few months ago, we have felt the warmth of your relationship, and relationships are what bring us all so much genuine fulfillment. Not money. Not Super Bowl rings. Not rock stardom.
Relationships lift us all spiritually.
It’s been effort-free, quite frankly, to see you all soaking up each other. Everywhere any of us turned this Fall, from our YouTube channels to smartphones to Facebook and podcasts, and rock concerts, we got to see both of you being cuddly, holding hands, showing that love is still a real thing, transcendent and everlasting, till death inevitably crashes down turning us into disposable ashes.
The timing of your torrid romance could not have come at a better time. You helped distract us from NFL football games that have become more tedious and boring than ever to endure with all the watching and re-watching of replays, quarterbacks wobbling out interceptions, and generally not entertaining us.
But not you two. You two we got to see all the time everywhere all at once day and night and morning where we went no matter how or when or why. You two – everywhere. You two – together. You two – love birds. Downloads of you two by the terabytes. Scroll anywhere and there you two were and always are. Man, it’s so good.
It’s fascinating to imagine the child you two could create together, a rock star football star who could sing and catch a football simultaneously better than any human ever has. Would this be the first person to dominate professional sports and pop music? Which would they choose? Both? Neither? It’s so delicious to imagine.
Would this person go his own way, and become a sports blogger with a side hustle as a Royal Wedding preacher?
Author Profile
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
Sammy Sportface Has a Vision -- Check It Out
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About the Author
An I the only one that thinks this is completely stupid!!??
Rena Gibbs
This article is not even slightly humorous… tired of hearing about Swift/Kelce (private) ‘love life’. All this article will do is stir up more talk/rumors. REAL reporters report on REAL stories… not imaginary, made-up stories that just puts your name out there!
I didn’t even want to give it 1 star but that option wasn’t there.
Who is Telsey Kelce?
Guess Tom Brady #12 should have been playing 🏈
Really….why?