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Being a hardass who values hard-hitting safeties, brutality, and psychological manipulation and torture of his star quarterback, new North Carolina football coach Bill Belichick announced on his first day that the university must ditch its baby blue colors worn by the athletes since the institution’s founding in 1789.
“The baby blue colors have got to go,” said Belichick from his palatial corner office overlooking The Dean Dome. “I’m thinking burnt orange or chocolate brown or maybe chartreuse or puke green. A football team needs to look and feel tough so it can scare opponents and channel the mindset of headhunters. It’s impossible for players to be that way wearing baby blue. In fact, my gut tells me one of the reasons this program has been lackluster since forever starts with the cotton candy baby blue uniforms.”
University officials including the chief marketing officer met with Belichick this morning to hear his case against the school colors and figure out a way to acquiesce to his demands because he instantly became the most powerful person in North Carolina once hired to the new position.
But the new coach, not known for his interpersonal skills nor warmth, also declared the re-institution of social distancing rules across the Chapel Hill campus effective immediately.
“I”m a big proponent of social distancing,” he said. “No one was better prepared during the pandemic for social distancing than me. Being far apart from people is my default position. I didn’t even have to make any lifestyle adjustments. In order for UNC to become a national power in football, this entire campus needs to embrace extreme behavioral discipline and that starts with staying apart from each other physically. The only exception to this rule will be my girlfriend and me.”
University officials started marking spots all over campus where people could stand six feet apart from each other. It will take them at least a few days to finish this project. Funding for it will be pulled from the UNC NIL bank account now gushing north of $500 million since the big hire of the NFL’s winningest coach but only because Tom Brady was his quarterback.
Belichick went all in on one final demand. He declared Rob Gronkowski would be allowed on the UNC sidelines for every game and he will have a picnic table there where he and former teammate Julian Edelman will host a live podcast before, during, and after the games.
Belichick said the only media outlets he will speak with during the season are his two former players and no one else.
“These two guys are idiots – there were guys at Foxboro High School better than they were,” he said. “But at least they know me and understand I’m not going to tell them anything about our program. No need for the rest of the media to show up because they’re dolts and there’s no chance I’m going to give them anything except those baby blue uniforms.”
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