NGSC Sports

Halfway Hilarity: Funeral Services Tuesday for the Washington Redskins

Funeral arrangements have been announced to commemorate the death of the Washington Redskins.

The service will be held Tuesday morning at 7 am in Robert F. Kennedy Stadium in Washington D.C. In that stadium the once-proud franchise enjoyed three glorious Super Bowl seasons.

The service will begin with a ceremony in which an open casket containing the jerseys of Redskins greats who led the team to Super Bowls such as John Riggins, Joe Jacoby, Art Monk, Wilbur Marshall, and Monte Coleman. The casket on display at what used to be the 50 yard line will be the centerpiece of the event.

Pall bearers will be former head coach Jon Gruden, former starting quarterback Robert Griffin The Third, former head coach Mike Shanahan, former offensive coordinator Kyle Shanahan, former head coach Jim Zorn, former head coach Steve Spurrier and former head coach Marty Shottenheimer.

Former Redskin players in attendance will include Albert Haynesworth, Heath Shuler, Michael Westbrook, Desmond Howard, Deion Sanders, and Bruce Smith.

The eulogy will be given by Norv Turner, who during the 1990s coached the Redskins to several consecutive losing seasons.

A copy of Turner’s planned remarks were released earlier this evening:

If you’re looking for one guy to blame for the Redskins becoming the worst NFL franchise and having to hold its own funeral services today, that guy would be me. Back in 1993, just two years after this team won its third Super Bowl, I was hired to be its new head coach. The Redskins became enamored with me because for the previous few years I had been the offensive coordinator for the world championship Dallas Cowboys.

I got undeserved credit for being an offensive coaching talent because those teams had great offenses. But what the Redskins failed to appreciate was there were three Hall of Famers on that offense: Troy Aikman, Emmitt Smith and Michael Irvin. Plus we had a great tight end, Jay Novacek, and the best offensive line ever on one NFL team. Many of them were among the eighth draft picks we acquired when the Cowboys traded Herschel Walker to the Vikings. Two of them were Nate Newton and Larry Allen. Those two guys were great also. Anyone coaching that offense would have won three Super Bowls. My job was to get out of the way and let their talent take over.

Foolishly, the Redskins owner Dan Snyder thought I could add to the three Super Bowls that their former coach, Joe Gibbs, had delivered. I knew I wasn’t the man they needed but they offered me a lot more money than I deserved and I had to take the offer. I didn’t have the coaching skills. I was not very good at motivating players. If you followed my career after the Redskins fired me, you would know for sure I was not a very good coach.

As leader of the San Diego Chargers, our team would annually get picked to go deep in the playoffs because we had so many talented players. And we did — Philips Rivers, Antonio Gates and several others. But I found a way to get us to underachieve. I am not good at coaching. Of all the bad decisions the Redskins have made over past 20 years, the worst one was hiring me to be the coach. That set in motion a culture of losing and ineptitude that is, I think, unparalleled in NFL history. They have lost 76 percent of their games over these two decades. They have made colossal draft pick blunders over and over. They have given huge contracts for veteran players who could no longer be effective. Two good examples are pall bearers today: Deion Sanders and Bruce Smith.

This long, slow and painful dying process began with me. I was the guy who began the destruction of the Washington Redskins. And I am here today to end that painful journey.

Riggo, Jacoby, Monk and the other Super Bowl heroes are long gone, and so are the Redskins.

Happy New Year!

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Sammy Sportface
Possibly America’s best sports blogger. Sometimes relevant and insightful. Often funny and satirical. Mostly mysterious and unpredictable. Only mildly interested in the truth.

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