NGSC Sports

Halfway Hilarity: Throw the Whole World Under the Bus

There is no more room under the bus.

Everybody has been thrown under it.

Bosses throw their subordinates under the bus. Subordinates, conspiring together and with intent to undermine and sabotage, throw their bosses under the bus. Bosses of bosses throw everybody below them under the bus.

Bus drivers throw annoying school kids under the bus. When that happens, parents of the kids throw bus drivers under the bus. This means they sue them and get them fired.

Wives throw husbands under the bus. Husbands try to throw wives under the bus but fail. Just for trying, wives throw their husbands under the bus again. This repeats itself repeatedly.

Coaches throw players under the bus. Coaches throw assistant coaches under the bus. College presidents throw losing coaches under the bus. Players throw coaches under the bus, which is pretty cool when it happens.

Girls throw former boyfriends under the bus. Boys throw former girlfriends under the bus.

Congress throws the White House under the bus. The White House throws Congress under the bus. Chris Jenner, a woman, throws Bruce Jenner, who looks like a woman but is a man, under the bus. She should. He has a pony tail. There should be a rule: Any American male who wins the Olympic Decathlon Gold Medal should not be allowed to grow a pony tail. If he does, he should be stripped of his Gold Medal.

While growing up, my “nemesis friend” Scott Miller threw me under the business a few hundred times. It was an all-out attack on my soul. For the past 10 years, I’ve thrown him under the bus a few hundred times. It has been an attack on his character and motivations. He has no soul.

We’re both under the bus together now. Progress is elusive. We are still throwing each other under the bus even though there is no need to fracture the relationship further.

We need to move on. But I don’t want to.

This non-stop, pervasive throwing of people under the bus has entered American lexicon as the new catch phrase. For a while everybody was saying “it is what is” to mean pretty much nothing. It was the response to a question or a statement people used when they were being evasive or didn’t know how to weasel out of a topic with political deftness.

People still say “it is what it is” a lot. But I feel sure that because I have written enough about it lately, lambasting it for being inane and mindless, that 88.79 percent of Americans have become more discreet for when they say it. Thank me for my public service. People only say it now when it really is a serious case of “it is what is it,” which is never.

As you read in my recent blog dated April something something, everybody was saying “game changer” for a while. In one powerful blog I killed that phrase across the fruited plain of this great nation. Since that went to print in the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, The Economist, Bloomberg, Reuters and the American Spectator, no one has said game changer, not even college football analysts.

A few sentences typed on a PC keyboard vaporized it.

Everybody got scared.

Having erased these problems, we still have on our pie plate that “Joe threw Bob under the bus” and on and on.

If you track football, you know that Robert Griffin the Third, benched quarterback of the Washington Redskins, has been thrown under the bus by his coach after Robert threw his teammates under the bus.

The bus thing has revenge associated with it.

Even the all-time greats get thrown under the bus: President Bill Clinton, LeBron James, Fred Flinstone (a stone bus), and Shrek. In the case of Fred, he kind of deserved it for acting like he was Barney Rubble’s Big Brother. Barney was smarter and more practical than Fred. Shrek was a sympathetic character and didn’t deserve it because he beat up everyone. When he fought, he threw everyone under the bus. They deserved it for messing with an ogre.

Thirty-four years ago I was on a school bus with 11 high school basketball teammates. We were riding through rural areas of Panama site seeing. It was 140 degrees. We stopped at a Panamanian convenient store to get drinks so we didn’t become deceased and the subject of a touching newspaper story about our team.

One of our teammates stepped off the bus, walked a few feet and passed out. Lying on the dirt as if in bed relaxing, his head was under the bus. We didn’t throw him under it. It was just where he fell.

One of the players asked: “What happened to him?”

“He passed out under the bus.”

The passed out guy went to Harvard. He makes millions now.

For that he should be thrown under the bus.

Whoever in our high school thought it was a good idea for us to travel through Panamanian dirt roads to be culturally enriched should have been thrown under the bus.

It was our charismatic coach. He threw all of us under the bus every day at practice and during every game. Now I’m throwing him under the bus. I have always wanted to.

Where did this phrase come from? Five years ago I don’t remember hearing it. Part of the reason is I don’t go outside much except to get food. Surely there must be other reasons. You know of any?

On there are probably some sketchy answers.

Now everybody says this phrase in all sorts of human interactions. Getting thrown under the bus is not a nice visual, certainly not anywhere close to Gisele Bundchen, Tom Brady’s supermodel wife. The underbellies of buses are dark and smell like gas whereas Gisele’s belly is, well, different. You don’t want to be underneath a bus for very long. To be honest about it, you don’t want to ever be under a bus unless you dig inhaling toxic fumes. It’s kind of like a hurricane in the Atlantic. You don’t want to be in rowboat 100 miles off the coast of Cape Cod in January in a hurricane. That should be a movie.

Bill Clinton did not inhale.

It doesn’t even matter what kind of bus. Their bottoms are all corroded, like the deepest parts of an outdoor grill. You could be talking about a high-end luxury liner bus, the kind Philadelphia Eagles ride in when they go play the New York Giants. I hate both those teams. Those buses cost $10 million to build; the 10 flat screen TVs in them go for $10,000 each.

Even so, they stink and are haunting on the bottom.

Throwing people under the bus has morphed into a description for just about anything bad. If I tell you to get lost right now, I’m throwing you under the bus. If you tell me I’m a jerk and should get a life, you are throwing me under the bus.

If you tell me to stop writing blogs because they blow chunks, you have thrown me under the bus. I deserve that.

All human beings need to be thrown under the bus. Especially you, Scott Miller.

In the early 1970s The Guess Who band made an underrated song called “Bus Rider.” I will never throw that great band under the bus. You shouldn’t either, or I’ll throw you under the bus.

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Sammy Sportface
Possibly America’s best sports blogger. Sometimes relevant and insightful. Often funny and satirical. Mostly mysterious and unpredictable. Only mildly interested in the truth.

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