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Halfway Hilarity: ‘Tis the Season to be Loser in NFL, Everywhere

‘Tis the Season to be Loser in NFL, Everywhere

‘Tis the season to be a loser.

My beloved New York Giants lost their seventh straight game yesterday to put their record at a delicious 3 wins and 9 losses. Sadly, their coach, Tom Coughlin, is going to lose his job at season’s end. No one is more distraught about this than me. Tom is a multi-millionaire and I feel bad he has to suffer with that money, living large in retirement.

The Washington Redskins lost again yesterday. They have lost 9 of their 12 games. Quarterback Robert Griffin The Loser Times 10 (RGTLX10) lost his starting job to Colt McCoy, who played well and solidified RGTLX10’s legacy as a large loser in D.C.

The New York Jets are losing like crazy, also. Losers of eight straight and nine of 11 games for the season, their coach, Coach Rex Ryan, is going to lose his job after the last game and probably should today. The owner, John Idzik, should lose his job also.

Geno Smith, the team’s starting quarterback to start the season, lost his spot by playing losing football, which means throwing a truckload of interceptions. He was replaced by Michael Vick, who has played losing football and has been replaced by Geno for tonight’s game.

Borrowing a few concepts from the Redskins, the Jets are rewriting the definition of losing.

In the National Basketball Association, the Philadelphia 76ers yesterday set the franchise record for the most consecutive losses – 16 – to start a season. They are well are on their way to lose the most consecutive losses in league history — 24. That’s a monumental achievement if time if you think about how long ago basketball dinosaurs played such as George Mikan from 1946-56. If the 76ers played this year’s Kentucky and Duke teams, they would lose 10 out of 10 times.

Cleveland Browns QB Brian Hoyer lost his starting quarterback job to Johnny Football Manziel yesterday. In pre-season JFoot lost in the battle to be the starter. When it comes to money, however, JFoot doesn’t lose. He signs autographs and gets paid a lot to do so even though he said he didn’t. He wins that game.

There’s more. Democrats lost big to the Republicans in the recent mid-term elections. Retailers lost on sales on Black Friday to people like me – meaning men –who don’t shop on that day. Black Friday was a dark day for businesses.

This losing thing hits my kitchen. I lost to my wife in a Turkey Trot 5K race on Thanksgiving. She trained approximately 2 hours for the race. I trained 222 hours. She and I have been arguing for several years about which one of us is the better natural athlete. She insists it is her. I insist it is me.

The race settled the debate. I lost. She always wins. It’s part of our marriage vow.

Losing is in the air. Failure is in vogue. Trying hard but coming up short is “in.” Cyber Monday sales will be down everywhere, lower than expected. Analysts will predict that holiday sales will generate higher-than-anticipated losses this year. This morning’s New York Times screams this headline: “Everybody is a Bunch of Losers.”

The good news is you can feel things are about to turn. The Jets are going to sign RGTLX10 and make him their franchise quarterback. He will lose more games than Mark Sanchize did when a Jet. But signing RGTLX10 is certain to get them on the winning conveyor belt. RGTLX10 has proven that he just needs a chance of scenery, a fresh look at the universe, a better group of receivers, and a coach who doesn’t despise him.

With RGTLX10 gone, the Skins will be well positioned to launch into glory again. No more losing for this most losing of all franchises. They are not the 76ers. They are much better than them. Kentucky and Duke football teams could beat them but that will be certain only for the ten more years. This thing is on the verge of a metamorphosis. You can feel it in your liver.

Is losing a bad thing? Let’s call it straight up: Losing gets a bad wrap. Losing teaches humility. It gets you to re-evaluate, fire people, be haphazard. Haphazard behavior is not pervasive enough. The world is haphazard. To succeed in it you need to be more haphazard. It only makes sense.

Rex Ryan will soon be coaching the Redskins. There he will lose lots of football games. In three years he will get fired. The cycle of losing will go on. Love of, and lust for, losing will endure, be everlasting.

There was once a coach of the New York Jets, Rich Kotite, who epitomized losing. Rex is a bigger loser than Richie. Rex should retire from coaching and become a contestant on The Biggest Loser. At that he would lose to the sound of the crowds boos.

The defensive coach of the Auburn football team, who led his unit to allowing 55 points against Alabama Saturday night, lost his job the next morning. The head coach fired him. For being so ruthless and blaming his defensive coach rather than taking the blame himself, the head coach is a loser. I hope he loses the rest of his games.

Over the weekend my wife bought a new car. For that I am losing a lot of money out of my bank account. I lose my bank ATM card once every two months. What I am most at a loss about is that even though I get a new one I never find the ones I lose. There are people out there who have my ATM cards and try to get money out of my account so I lose money. They are losers for doing this. I am a loser for losing my cards.

The cards may be lost on some parking lots somewhere. I tend to have a bunch of stuff in my pant pockets such as Dunkin Donut receipts and Tootsie Pop wrappers. Like in a washing machine, the cards dangle, bounce and hide in that pocked. They suffer in mayhem. They fall to the asphalt.

And are lost forever.

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Sammy Sportface
Possibly America’s best sports blogger. Sometimes relevant and insightful. Often funny and satirical. Mostly mysterious and unpredictable. Only mildly interested in the truth.

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