NGSC Sports

Halfway Hilarity: All Alabama Women Want to Be With Nick Saban

All women in Alabama have a thing for the Alabama’s ferociously, super-duper intense and maniacal football coach.

Insanity is a turn on.

Like Miss Alabama, Miss Teen Alabama is also a total babe. You know she is. Don’t waste your precious time on Earth confirming this by searching Google Images. It’s a no-doubter.

But the yearning for Nick Saban doesn’t stop with these bombshells. All wives of all men who live in Alabama have a thing for Nick. Most notably, wives of men who graduated from Auburn, Alabama’s football nemesis the past million years, also are enamored with Nick. This destroys the egos and psyches of Auburn men.

Privately, the men and women admit to each other they wish he coached Auburn. The women want to look at Nick more. Some of the men even admit to it.

Nick wins.

Women like men who win. Men like men who win.

These are axioms.

A few weeks back Nick’s team was on the verge of losing at LSU and trashing their season. Behind by three points with a minute to play, they had to gain some 60 yards to get in field goal range to tie the game. Shrewd Nick threw the ball to his Five Star, High School Gatorade All American wide receivers. Each will be All Pro in the NFL in less than two years.

A kicker, not nearly the athlete as Bama’s superstars, came through. Nick couldn’t care less about kickers except in these moments when they can help him win. He cares about his superstars a lot more and gives each of them thousands of dollars of his own money each week to keep them whole.

In overtime, Nick had a brilliant idea: I think I’ll throw it to my All World receivers. Because they are superstars, they came through.

The victory assured America that Nick will quality for college football’s Final Four tournament in which they will win. It will be Nick’s nineteenth college football national championship.

“So Nick,” I ask. “What’s better, having every honey babe in Alabama have a thing for you or winning national football championships?”
Nick: “To be perfectly honest, I like the women loving me more than anything football can provide. Football is just a vehicle I use to get women of all ages throughout Alabama to think about what it would be like to be with me. Everything in life boils down to being loved by women. Basketball, football, curling – name any sport. It’s not about the sports. It’s about the women.”

“What I really get a kick out of,” said Nick, “is when we play at Auburn and I come running out of the tunnel before the game with my team. Women hang over the tunnel telling me they want to marry me. It means I not only can beat Auburn in football. I can also beat all those Auburn men in life’s ultimate game: women.”

Nick has a wife. She could not be reached for comment.

Had she commented, this is what she would have said: “I don’t care how many women want to be with my husband. What matters to me is he makes $5 million a year, which means my house is huge and far removed from the little people.”

“As long as Nick makes tons of money so I can live luxuriously, I don’t care how many love letters Alabama women send my husband or how many kisses they blow his way as he runs out of the tunnel,” she added. “I drive a BMW and belong to Alabama’s top country club. I’ve got Nick and the world by the balls.”

Nick’s popularity with women has been a source of tension with his former quarterback, A.J. McCarron. The former play caller dates Katherine Webb, who was Miss Alabama and the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover girl in 2013. Google Image that. Well worth your time.

Turns out Kate lost interest in Scott because she can’t stop talking to Scott about Nick and thinking about being with Nick.

“She’s obsessed with him,” said McCarron, who was incredibly lucky to have dated Miss Alabama as long as he did considering he wasn’t a High School American Five Star superstar. “I was going to marry her but Nick messed up my plans. When I played for his team, he preached loyalty to him and our teammates. But now that I can’t help him win national championships, he has no use for me. He stole the women I was going to marry.”

Nick couldn’t be reached for comment. He had a busy agenda today.

This morning Nick traveled in his private helicopter to a remote town in Alabama. He sat in the living room of the nation’s best high school football player. He convinced the young man to come play for him because all of his players win national championships and become NFL millionaires.

This afternoon he will take his helicopter to another remote town in Alabama. He will sit in the living room of the nation’s second best high school football player and persuade the young man to come play for Nick because all of his players win national championships and become NFL millionaires.

This evening he will fly to some other remote town in Alabama. He will sit in the living room of the nation’s third best high school football player. He will coax the young man to come play for Nick because all of his players win national championships and become millionaires in the NFL.

After finishing his business, he gets down to his most serious business of the day. On his cell he calls his McCarron asking for the address of Katherine Webb, who lives in a remote town in Alabama.

He writes it down, hangs up on his player, lands on Webb’s front driveway.

He walks in to the house and closes his most important deal of the day.

Author Profile

Sammy Sportface
Possibly America’s best sports blogger. Sometimes relevant and insightful. Often funny and satirical. Mostly mysterious and unpredictable. Only mildly interested in the truth.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: