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Halfway Hilarity: Nobody Cares About the NFL Anymore

Nobody cares about the NFL anymore.

Nobody goes to the games. Nobody watches the games on TV. Nobody plays Fantasy Football. Nobody does tailgates outside the stadiums.

Or maybe that’s just me.

Color me jealous. Everything in my life boils down to jealousy. I want to be Tom Brady. He’s got the supermodel, the Hall of Fame career, more money than Saudi Arabia, and an undergraduate degree from the University of Michigan – one of our nation’s best state institutions. I can’t replicate the focus he has on his profession.

I envy Fantasy Football players because they excel at math. In every way imaginable, being good at math makes life infinitely easier. I don’t play Fantasy Football because I’m afraid of the math involved and of losing money. Plus this game requires high-end computer skills. Young people are better at. I’m not young.

Fantasy Footballers don’t have to worry about whether their favorite team wins or loses, which causes colitis. Instead, they worry about picking the right players for their Fantasy team, amassing the most points through the performances of those players, and making money. They invest money in their Fantasy teams, live on the edge every Sunday. We all need to live on the edge more than we do. They’re gamblers. Gamblers get it.

Like all men ever conceived, I wish I was Joe Montana. Hailed as the greatest NFL quarterback of all time, Joe snatched the grand prize. In retirement, he chills at California vineyards, sips wine, takes in life knowing he was the best. He was, and still is, the original Joe Cool.

Anyone who tells you he is not jealous of Joe Cool is lying or on the debate team.

The NFL is overblown, overhyped, and overvalued, and overcooked, and overdone. It’s over. Sure it sends a charge into us when the safety closes fast on a wide receiver and pops him just as the ball arrives. Man I get a thrill seeing that collision. It’s like a gladiator movie. All of those were stellar.

Sure the games are distractions from our mundane lives that are now ensnarled in Red State vs. Blue State chit chat, adhering to rules, and paying taxes. Sure watching NFL game is more fun than paying rent, cutting the grass, and replacing a light bulb. Sure it’s better than watching NASCAR on Sunday. Every day is a good day to not watch NASCAR. Never watch NASCAR.

But watching the NFL is not as good as drawing stick figures, painting flowers on a canvas, singing in the shower, and contemplating serenity on a beach wearing flip flops.

The NFL has warts. Not everybody does. A girl I knew in grade school did but she wouldn’t appreciate me naming her. She lives in New Hampshire. That’s as far as I’ll go. Google New Hampshire. This one’s on you. New Hampshire woman had several warts and talked about them as if she was proud of them. That was weird.

Warts are scarce, or well camouflaged, or both. I can’t think of five people I have ever met who had warts. Maybe at lunch today I’ll meet one. I may have had one once but didn’t know it. They can look like other things. Like rock band groupies, they blend in.

I’ll bet you less than 20 percent of NFL players have warts. Offensive and defensive linemen have the most. They push each other around the most. All that skin intermingling spawns wicked warts. It would be cool to start a Fantasy Football league focused exclusively on guys who have warts.

In addition to this, the NFL needs to figure out how to make money. They need to advertise. During games on Sundays they need to break up the action with commercials. Viewers need more downtime, more products to hear about. It’s arduous watching the games, sitting to sit on their couches and watch.

The NFL also needs more pre-game shows. There are no channels on Sunday mornings that will preview any of the games being played later that day. Americans need to know ahead of time what’s on tap. The NFL just puts games on. It’s a no frills league. We need more context, such as how many bones are broken in Tony Romo’s back and how many centimeters they are from his spinal cord. Of all the problems the NFL has, the biggest one is it doesn’t provide enough context.

There needs to be more TV coverage of the league. Americans need to know more about the off the field scandals involving players. They don’t cover that enough. It’s too much about the games and nothing else.

The NFL is a dinosaur. Dinosaurs are extinct.

Nobody watches dinosaurs. Nobody cares about dinosaurs.

Watch the Redskins, led by RGIII, win this season’s Super Bowl.

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Sammy Sportface
Possibly America’s best sports blogger. Sometimes relevant and insightful. Often funny and satirical. Mostly mysterious and unpredictable. Only mildly interested in the truth.

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