NGSC Sports

Halfway Hilarity: NFL’s First Menage A Trois: Brady, Belichick and Bundchen

In a recent TV interview Tom Brady said he doesn’t read books. He doesn’t need to. Shakespeare, reindeer, drink lots of dark beer.

The New England Patriots quarterback is married to Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen. She’s on fire.

In the interview he also divulged that he doesn’t go out much. He doesn’t need to. He’s married to Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen. She’s on fire.

Instead, Tom watches football films of upcoming opponents, devising schemes to burn them to ashes. For many years Tom has been getting opposing coaches fired and opposing players cut. Weekly and annually, he ruins peoples’ livelihoods, makes parents inconveniently take their kids out of schools, sell their houses, and begrudgingly move to other cities.

He doesn’t care about them. He doesn’t need to. He’s married to Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen. She’s on fire.

Name any day — Christmas Day, Abraham Lincoln’s Birthday, New York City’s Puerto Rica Parade Day. Each day he parks himself at the Patriots practice facility. He usually doesn’t sleep there because he’s married to Gisele Bundchen. Tom makes smart decisions. You can be smart and not read books.

At Patriots Park, Brady immerses himself in those films. Like frogs in high school biology lab, he dissects them. Dissections don’t require reading, at least not in high school.

A few weeks ago Tom heard what was said about him when he wasn’t playing like Tom Brady but more like Geno Smith, the New York Jets quarterback. Geno will be out of the NFL in five days.

Critics got on pretty boy Tom, he of Hall of Fame, Mount Rushmore, and GQ Magazine stature. Maybe he was done, they postulated. Maybe Gisele was draining his energy. Maybe he was too old. Father Time eats everybody’s lunch. No truer words were every written in a blog nor on a Tuesday.

Getting criticized gets Tom’s attention. You can hear his conversation with Gisele: “Hey, smoking hot wife, I need to sleep at Patriots Park for a few weeks. I need to show them I’m still a great NFL quarterback.”

Gisele obliged. She would have to wait, negligee, nighty or nothing. His manhood had been questioned.

To prepare for his sojourn, Tom bought a king size bed valued for somewhere north of $500,000. He had it hauled into the film room. Each day he fell asleep after studying game films from 3 p.m. until 3 am. This went on for 27 straight nights. Next to him was his coach, Bill Belichick, Coach Colorful (a.k.a. Captain Charisma).

During the film session the coach and player slid off topic.

“Hey Tom,” said Bill while rewinding to watch an off tackle running play for the 90th time that day. “How come you get to sleep in a king size bed and I only get a queen? I’m the leader of this franchise. I have the biggest office. I should have the biggest bed.”

“Gisele told me I should bring in a king,” said Tom. “She tells me every night that I’m her king. Plus, I make $40 million a year and you make $20 million. I can more easily afford the king than you and, quite honestly, I’m more important than you and more handsome than you.”

Tom went to University of Michigan. Maybe this explains him but maybe not. They’re the Wolverines. Maybe Tom is a Wolverine. Just a thought: Go to their website, click on the “About” section. You may find clues there about what makes Tom Tom.”

Tom added: “I don’t see you running around with a babe one tenth as hot as Gisele. I make more money, am more appealing to women, am younger and less decrepit, spend more time at this facility, and watch more film than you do.”

Tom becomes a jerk when people question his quarterback performances.

Although Bill had been watching the same film as Tom, he got sick of it. He nestled in to his queen and fell asleep at 2 a.m.

“Last night you fell asleep watching film an hour before me,” Tom said. “You aren’t tough enough. You aren’t rich enough.”

These words should conjure up thoughts of the Rolling Stones lyrics from their classic hit “Beast of Burden.” Some of the song’s lyrics are R rated. Some almost X.

“I was tired of watching film,” said Coach Colorful. “We’re going to win our next game because you’re angry that people said you may be washed up as quarterback. I don’t have to watch any film, because I know you will endlessly. I wish they hadn’t criticized you so I wouldn’t have to keep up with you and your film watching. I wanted to read a book. You should read books, Tom. You need to have more balance in your life.”

“I dominated the NFL’s Wonderlic quarterback intelligence test,” Tom Tom said. “Only the Harvard guy, Ryan Fitzpatrick, scored higher and maybe Aaron Rogers. He went to Cal Berkeley. It figures he’s smart. But I am wicked smart, too. Books are for boys, boring people, and guys who don’t marry bombshell babes. Reading books will get you nowhere. Watching football film will make you $40 million a year and get you an uber-supermodel.”

Tom Tom then asks: “What book are you reading?”

Coach Colorful says: “How to Win Friends and Influence People. I’ve always wanted to be kinder and more forthcoming to people. I want the press to like me. They don’t like me, Tom. I desperately want to be liked.”

“If not for me, Bill, I think you would be disliked more than you are. You would never have won three Super Bowl Titles. You need to be more committed to football. I don’t think you’re giving enough of yourself. And all this noise about you wanting to be liked is balderdash. Big word, balderdash, don’t you think? And I don’t even read books. I heard John Facenda use balderdash in a 1968 NFL film about the Cowboy defense.”

In the Patriot’s next game, Tom completed 30 of 35 passes for 347 yards and 5 touchdowns. He was king of the NFL once again.

That night he went home to be Gisele’s king.

There would be no book reading.

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Sammy Sportface
Possibly America’s best sports blogger. Sometimes relevant and insightful. Often funny and satirical. Mostly mysterious and unpredictable. Only mildly interested in the truth.

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