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Power 5 Bottom 10: B1G Trouble

[airesizeimg src=”http://ngscsports.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/tomhanksmichigan.jpg” alt=”… and Michigan State. And Ohio State. And Northwestern. And Nebraska. And Purdue …” class=”aligncenter size-full wp-image-6324″ ]

THE WORLD OF college football is cruel and capricious, isn’t it?

Every spring comes the promising recruiting class. “Ooh, look at all the stars! This guy has four stars! This guy has five stars! This guy wears a cape and tights!”

Then comes training camp and the exciting daily tidbit about how Joe Schmoe, last year’s third-string placeholder, has really hit the gym hard and is gunning for the returning starter. “Oh, my, that competition is gonna lead to some real depth there!”

Then comes the first game, in which the Monster State Superstars eke out a win with an interception return late in the fourth quarter against the Podunk Pipsqueaks of the Dolly Madison Intramural League.

Then comes Monster State’s first real opponent, Monster Tech. And … well … oof.

Then comes despair. Wailing, thrashing, kicking despair, the likes of which only Cleveland Browns fans know.

Anyhoo, on to this week’s Power 5 Bottom 10, in which if you play in a conference with a “Big” in its name, you’re looking pretty small right now …

1. THE STATE OF MICHIGAN

Lost 77-28 (and only one of them scored 28)

The state of the state is … HOW ‘BOUT THEM LIONS! Yep, Michigan and Michigan State both dealt the People of the Mitten brutal shots to the gut with their defeats this past weekend. For the Spartan folk, lamentations over an utter second half collapse (46-28 at Oregon) will keep the makers of Tums in high cotton. For those who can’t seem to get that Maize & Blue facepaint out of their hairline, their dark brooding stems from the fact their Wolverines got on the bus for South Bend and were never seen again. Worse, there will be no avenging that 31-0 loss against Notre Dame because the series is dead.

 

2. WASHINGTON STATE

Lost to Nevada 24-13

If you are a member of a Power 5 conference and you’re going on the road to one of the Mitey Mite Division venues, you’ve already lost. When you get smoked despite outgaining said Orphans of the Forgotten Realm, well … we’ll just reserve you a room here at the Hotel H-E-Double Hockeysticks.

 

3. IOWA STATE

Lost to Kansas State 32-28

The Cyclones lost to North Dakota State, lost some people to injury, then lost their groove after scoring 28 unanswered points early against visiting Kansas State in one of the nation’s emerging new rivalries known as “Farmageddon.” (Yeah, we get it, they’ve been playing each other forever, but no one gave a flip until K-State’s true northern rivals all took their balls and went to someone else’s home). After two weeks of the season, it’s apparent Kansas State has three players of note (QB Jake Waters, WR Tyler Lockett, DE Ryan Mueller) and none of them seemed to get Iowa State’s attention in the second half as the Wildcats hopped in their jalopy and Beverly Hillbillied their way out of town.

 

4. VANDERBILT

Lost to Ole Miss 41-3

Last week’s loss to Temple elicited a mere three words from us here at P5B10. This week’s loss at least merits a paraphrasing of a popular movie quote: They lost to somebody! They lost to a (SEC) contender!

 

5. TEXAS

Lost to BYU 41-7

After losing 40-21 last season, Texas vowed the rematch would be different. A cry went out across the dusty plains of Texas, a sound of rolling thunder meant to shake the pillars of the Blue and White Temple: You mess with the bull, you get the (Long)horns, you no-Sunday shopping, non-soda sipping, dapper dressers! Things changed. Mack Brown was shoved out one side of the taxi as Charlie Strong hopped in the other. The new Strong-armed Longhorns were disciplined, schooled in the fundamentals and rip-snortin’ ready to deal bloody vengeance. Then BYU did it again. Rinse. Repeat.

 

6. NORTHWESTERN

Lost to Northern Illinois 23-15

Granted, Northern Illinois is no long emblematic of most directional state football programs, but this is more about the vibes we’re getting out of Northwestern. Once neck-and-neck with the losingest programs in college football, Northwestern has at times appeared on the verge of getting its act together. Alas, this latest 0-2 start, coming on their own field, seems to indicate otherwise.

 

7. PURDUE

Lost to Central Michigan 38-17

The Boilermakers lost by three touchdowns at home to a team that barely survived the relentless onslaught of that football powerhouse Chattanooga the week before (CMU won 20-16). Purdue’s just reward? Facing Notre Dame, the team that blanked the Mitten State’s flagship university. That’s gonna leave a mark.

 

8. NEBRASKA

Defeated McNeese State 31-24

Is there a P5 team whose 2-0 start is less convincing than that of the Cornhuskers? Their performance against this Louisiana school far from home isn’t worth getting into beyond a simple time-lapse summation of the Twitter following Saturday afternoon: LOL! WTF? OMFG! SMH NW! ROTFL! WTG! #HUSKERSTRONG

 

9. KANSAS

Defeated SE Missouri State 34-28

There just really needed to be another Big 12 team in these rankings and the choices were the Jayhawks or Texas Tech. Narrow edge, for now, goes to the Jayhawks. We all knew they were going to be seven different flavors of horrible this season, but hanging on for dear life against a team that resides in a region known as the “Bootheel” pretty much added a new flavor to the crap sandwich KU fans are trying to choke down before basketball season.

 

10. OHIO STATE

Lost to Virginia Tech 35-21

Wow. So that makes six Big Ten schools riding the Suckwad Express to Leadbottom Hollow. As you now have probably guessed, the story of Monster State was loosely based on the real-life story of the Buckeyes. A huge shoutout to our brethren over at the Utterly Unbiased Top 25, whose ranking methodology eschewed preseason rankings and thus had left the Buckeyes out of the Top 25 after their lackluster season-opening win against Navy. To the UU Top 25, Virginia Tech’s romp at The Horseshoe was not an upset. To the football pollerazzi (great term, UU Top 25), the Hokies’ win was paradigm-shifting. In reality, it was simply another blow to the Big Ten’s national championship hopes. The league really is out to a horrible start. Perhaps that’s why Penn State suddenly was reinstated for postseason play? Probably not, but that didn’t stop one outlet from asking the question.

 

See ya next week, losers and those who love to hate them.

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